· Stepparents must move slowly with the stepchildren. Remember most of
the time the children didn't ask you to be there. You are intruding
into their world, a place of familiarity and security.
· If you
are having problems with the stepchildren, discuss these problems with
your spouse privately, not within earshot of the children. Keep in mind
that children are nosey and will listen through the walls.
·
Regardless of your feelings about your biological counter-part, don't
make derogatory comments about the other parent to the children. This
is alienating and damaging to the child and your relationship with the
child. The child will usually want to defend the targeted parent but
will avoid saying anything because that's easier than confronting you.
Children live by a simple principle, went uncomfortable, avoid. Don't
be fooled by their silence. You will probably not hear their thoughts.
They will have opinions and feelings about what you say. You just won't
know what they are thinking.
· Your stepchildren still need time
alone with their biological parent. Don't always feel like you have to
be involved with what they are doing.
· Until the children know
and accept you, don't be overly demonstrative with their parent. Kids
watching the two of you cuddle and kiss can be embarrassing and "gross"
(That's what the kids tell me)."
· A biological parent's feelings
will be influenced by what the children say about you. Kids, like
adults, are quicker to complain than say good things, especially if
they believe their mother doesn't want to hear about what a wonderful
person you are to them. Don't be overbearing when communicating with
the biological parent. Be pleasant and maintain self-control over your
feelings. If there are important issues to be discussed with the
biological parent about the children, biological parents rather than
you should have these conversations. Perhaps after a period of time and
you develop a good relationship with the biological parent; you can
become a more active participant. I have found that many problems with
stepmother is when the stepmother become overbearing, tries to take
control while the father passively sits by and says nothing.
· Do
not expect to just take over the management of the house and set the
rules when you move into your new spouse's home. Rules and expectations
about each family member's responsibilities must be discussed and
negotiated. If a new stepparent moves in like a bulldozer and plans to
rebuild the family structure and values, he or she is heading for big
trouble with both the stepchildren and new spouse. Stepparents must
move slowly and be sensitive to everyone's feelings.
· Children
should not be expected to keep your secrets. Assume that what ever you
do in your household, they will tell their biological parent. After
all, what is it you do in your house that the world would care about?
·
Your stepchildren come from a very different world than what you are
familiar with. They were possibly exposed to different values. Don't go
into this step parenting thing with the idea that you know best and you
are going to remake the children into what you think is best. First of
all, you don't have this right and secondly, you will be heading for
disaster.
Source: Step-Parents
http://www.parentalalienation.com/stepparents.htm
