Stepfamily Zone Australia

Based on their own experiences as stepparents and their work with
stepparenting couples and groups, Sharon and James Turnbull offer ten
commandments for stepparenting.

These guidelines were developed to
facilitate familiarity with and appreciation for some of the conflicts
and stresses faced by stepparents.

Provide neutral territory. Each child needs a place to call his/her own. When two sets of children are brought

together,
one group of children may think of themselves as the subfamily unless
an effort is made to allow each child a space of his/her own.

Don't try to fit a preconceived role. Each parent is an individual and the children will need time to get used to

you.
Be honest and straight with them. Make every effort to respond
intelligently and kindly but remember children are good at detecting
phoniness.

Set limits and enforce them. You and your partner
need to work out rules in advance and need to support each other when
these rules need to be enforced. Keep the rules simple and few in
number at the beginning. Fighting between you and your partner can
really complicate things and children will try to take advantage of any
fighting that does occur.

Allow an outlet for the child's
feelings for the natural parent. Children need to express their
feelings for the natural parent without being made to feel disloyal.

Expressing love for a missing natural parent should not be looked on as rejection by the stepparent.

Expect ambivalence–children will show both love and hate for the stepparent. Ambivalence is normal in all human

relationships.
In the stepparent-child relationship it may be heightened because of
the child's concern about being disloyal to the natural parent.

{mospagebreak}Avoid meal time misery. Stepparents may view the child's refusal to eat as rejection and frequently table manners

become an issue. Children need to know what the rules are and usually will quickly learn to follow them. Avoid as

much hassle as possible, allowing kids to fix their own meals or sharing this task when children are old enough.

Don't expect instant love; it takes time for emotional bonds

to form and sometimes this never occurs. Children under

three usually have an easier time adapting but in some

relationships even the loving child will use the words, "I

hate you," as a weapon when he/she gets older.

Don't take all the responsibility–the child has some too. The

child's make-up, attitudes, and behavior may prevent the

child from working with the stepparent. The stepparent can

only do so much. How well she/he gets along with the child

depends in part on the child.

Be patient–building trust takes time. Developing a New

relationship and learning to get along in a new family with

different rules and expectations takes time–sometimesmonths and years.

Maintain the privacy of the marital relationship. While the

parenting role is important, the couple needs to spend time

maintaining and strengthening the marriage relationship.

The children will feel more secure if they realize that the

parents get along together, can settle disputes and, most of

all, cannot be divided by the children.

MN
Children Youth & Family Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse.
Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of these
documents for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and MN
CYFCEC receive acknowledgment and this notice is included. Phone:
612/626-9582;