hopeful signs for the one in three children with a step-parent

January 27, 2006 by John Faulkner
Filed under: Stepfamily 

{mosimage}Psychology Today (May, 1994) summarized the information we have about step-families.
They find hopeful signs for the one in three children with a step-parent (by 2000
there will be more
children with a step-parent than there are children living with both biological parents),
for example:

  • Once
    the blended family has adjusted to new members and roles, it is more
    satisfying, more supportive, more complex, and a better
    learning-to-cope environment than traditional families. Therefore,
    don't strive for a totally happy family immediately. These complex
    emotional adjustments take three to five years involving lots of family
    discussions about how to accommodate each other.

  • After the first five years, step-families are
    more likely to last than first marriages. People can find the love and
    care they need there; the children see happy, loving parents.

  • 80% of the children raised in a step-family are well adjusted; they are tough, flexible,
    sensitive to and willing to accommodate other's emotional needs, and prepared to
    face the external world.
    It is parental conflict that causes problems for the remaining 20% of kids, not divorce
    or remarriage. The ongoing fighting and/or the loss of contact with one biological
    parent are the major sources of problems. The biological
    parents must continue to cooperate closely with each other (in a civil, uncritical
    manner) in the parenting of their
    children. The custodial parent can't just take over all the child care and discipline
    (and neither should the step-parent try to do this). In particular, the step-parent must, for several years, stay out of discipline
    and thoroughly support the continued parenting by both
    biological parents of the child; the child needs one-on-one time with both parents.
    Divided loyalty between warring parents (who are sharing their love with newcomers)
    is usually hell for children.

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