Step Parenthood – Remarriage
{mosimage}A re-marriage is very different from a first marriage. There
are different combinations in a re-marriage, each has its own unique
difficulties and of course joys.
For example, both of you may have been married before, you may have no
children or both have children. Only one set of children may live with
you, the other visit occasionally or none of the children live with or
all of the children. Whenever there are children in a re-marriage,
there is movement in and out of your family and many different
relationships to navigate and negotiate, as well as your own new
relationship to build.
The myths about
step-parenting, and the most well-known one is that of Cinderella and
the wicked stepmother, make it difficult for stepmothers, and to a
lesser extent stepfathers, to be anything but wicked. Most step-parents
have very high and realistic expectations of themselves and the
children. They expect to recreate a nuclear family, but by definition,
this is not possible, as one of the adults is not a biological parent;
they expect everyone will love each other instantaneously and that
they, the step-parent, can replace or make up for the loss of one
parent through death or divorce. Children will always love their
biological parents first BUT they will also, given the
opportunity and time, grow to love the step-parent. Step-parents often
believe they will feel the same about their step-children as they do
about their own and when they do not, they feel very guilty.
In re-marriage and
step-families there is duplication. There are two mothers or fathers,
one out of the home, four sets of grandparents and many extended family
members. There may be children from the different families of exactly
the same age. The family may have double in size, space becomes a
problem. This can create stress and complicate relationships. The
step-parent often has an ambiguous role, what is he expected to do
regarding discipline in the family? What is he to be called? The
step-parent has no legal rights over the step-children. Frequently,
after a re-marriage, there is an increased hostility towards the
step-parent from the biological parent.
Money is often a
problem in re-marriage. The adults are frequently supporting another
family or receiving maintenance for the children from the non-custodial
parent. This can breed resentment and anger. Inheritance is another
issue that may create problems after re-marriage.
{mospagebreak} This is the general
picture of re-marriage. Here are a few guidelines that will help you to
build your relationship and live in harmony with your new family:
- Prepare
the children for remarriage – explain to them who your mate is and what
they should call him/her. Recognise that the children and the single
parent often had a very close relationship and remarriage is a threat
to this. Can you talk about and tolerate their fears and worries, the
feelings of jealousy and disappointment ? - Try to
accept that your step-children may not like you (you may not like
them). Your remarriage is your gain, you are in love, excited and
happy. For the children it is often a loss, of the hope that mom and
dad will get together, of the special relationship they had with the
one parent, perhaps of their own house or room, of their role or status. - Give
everyone time – remarriage creates an instant family – relationships
are new and untested, you married your spouse and collected some
children too, the children are forced to relate to you and to their
step-siblings who they may never have chosen as friends, but with time
these relationships will grow and everyone will adjust to the new
family. - Talk about how you will bring up the
children, who will do what, talk about the finances, is it your money,
my money or our money. How do you feel about the maintenance issues.
Make a joint plan of action for your family. - Discuss
your feelings about the situation with each other and with the
children. Allow them to express their anger, sadness, confusion. Give
yourselves permission to like not love your step-children. - Become
aware of the extent to which you have dealt with the loss of your
previous relationship or marriage – do you still feel angry, sad and a
failure or have you let go so that you can form a new relationship that
is not too greatly influenced by your previous one. - Find time to be alone together when you will not even talk about the children – but when you can keep the warm feelings you have for each other kindled and alive.
Remember you chose each other – give priority to being husband and wife – give yourselves a chance
Source FAMSA
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