Stepfamilies – The Golden Rule
You need to be aware of and convinced of the essential
rules. Here they are …
Accept wholeheartedly that a stepfamily is different. It's different
from what you have had before and it's different from the so-called
'normal' family. Don't try to ape the 'happy normal family'. You
now have persons living together who never meant to live together.
Their lives are upset. They are sometimes angry. It's all very strange.
Don't kid yourself or others that everything's wonderful!
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Accept that stepfamily life is going to be tough-going for a while. You
have to get used to each other. Everyone has to change a little. Ask
one another for some give-and-take. On the other hand it can be a lot
better than what any of you had before.
Don't
try too hard. Simply try to be a special friend. Don't try to be a
'father' or even a stepfather to your partner's children, and don't
call them 'stepchildren' (except in rare cases where that is what
everyone wants). Don't insist that they call you 'Dad'. They won't want
to. Let them use your first name.
Don't expect
them to love you, or even to like you. Conversely, don't expect
yourself to love or like them. These are things that must grow
naturally if at all. Respect one another, yes, but remember that
respect has to be earned.
{mospagebreak}Don't imagine that
your difficulties are unique. Plenty of stepfamilies and plenty of
normal' families have all the same problems. Not all biological parents
get on well with their offspring. Remember it's hard for the children,
too. They did not choose to live with you. Attend a 'parent
effectiveness course.
Don't compare yourselves
unfavourably to the 'perfect' happy family next door which seems to be
totally without problems. Don't regard yourselves as a second-class
family and don't let others treat you like one. Try to improve your own
self-image and that of the whole family by acting and speaking
confidently and with no apologies to anyone. Remind yourself that there
are many different kinds of families.
Talk
through the problems and try to resolve them. Air your difficulties
with your partner and, at times, with her children. Don't let them
fester away. Perhaps a family plan should be agreed on, written down
and signed by adults and children. This could be in the form of a
contract with everyone contributing agreed clauses. Listen to the
children and try to understand the feelings behind their words. Tough
talking and tough decisions are sometimes called for. A family meeting
could be the way, or isolating a child for a talk. One can envisage
possible exchanges:
Tell me straight what it is
that's upsetting you. 'I don't like you living here: it's my father's
house. 'I don't blame you, but be fair: your mother invited me to live
here and she consulted you. And as soon as things are settled we'll buy
our own place.' 'I don't like you telling me what to do. You are not my
father.' 'You're right, and I don't want to be. In future I won't tell
you, I'll ask you. But when I do, I want you to remember that this is
not a boarding house, it's our home, and you are old enough to do your
bit to make it work for everybody.
{mospagebreak} Don't
retreat into passive indifference in order to preserve peace in the
home. Nor should your partner allow this. You have the right to live
comfortably, to be consulted and to make a positive contribution to the
household. Foster, don't impede, good relations between your partner
and her children. Give them time to themselves and let them know that
you will not interfere in their special relationship.
Be sensitive to their family dynamics: one child (most
likely the eldest) may have considered himself the head of the family
and will feel threatened by you. Don't knock him off his perch. Allow
him his place. Never criticise their father, no matter how hopeless he
is, even if they ask you for your opinion. Remember 'blood is thicker
than water'!
Encourage them to stay in touch
with him. Don't let them get away with playing one parent against the
other. Get all the grandparents on side. They can be great allies, and
they have considerable influence on the children. Encourage the
children's relationships with members of their extended family and with
their friends.
The physical organization of the
home is important. Ideally, each child should have a room, but of
course this is not always possible. It may not work to have older
siblings, especially from different families, bunk in together for an
extended period. However, all things are possible with effort and
encouragement plus a respect for private space and possessions.
Both physical and temporal space are important. As for
any couple, you and your new wife need to get away at times. Have an
outing, see a show, spend a weekend away. Guard the privacy of your
bedroom.
Love me, love my kids' and 'It's
either me or the kids' are unfair demands and should never be uttered
by either partner. Such attitudes indicate that your relationship is
unsound. Let your partner know that she counts in her own right, not
just as a substitute mother for you and your children. If that's all
you want, get a housekeeper.
{mospagebreak}Don't expect your
partner to love and 'mother' your children unless she and the children
all want this and their own mother does not object. But insist that
they treat her decently.
Friction with children
is a major factor in the break-up of a relationship. So if you value
the relationship for its own sake (it'll die if you don't), you must
nip these complications in the bud. There might conceivably arise the
extreme situation which calls for 'the parting of the ways'.
If there is a problem child who rejects all efforts at
reason, refuses to behave decently, and is persistently defiant,
rebellious and hostile, then serious steps must be taken. A change in
custody, or at least a change of home, might provide the solution.
Parents have the right to a reasonable life. They must also look after
their own relationship.
The decision to have
your own baby is a very personal one and should not be lightly
undertaken. Don't do it to cement your relationship: it won't! And if
you do, involve the whole family in the planning, birth and care. 'Two
of mine, two of yours and two of ours' is a nice thought. But nice
thoughts can turn into expensive and trying situations.
You must think and talk to your partner and seriously
consider the question: Do we really want this?
To discipline or not to discipline? How far should you
become involved in the disciplining of your partner's children? How
much should you discipline your own children when they come on access
visits? These are not always easy questions. Remember that the
biological parent can check her children in ways which you can't. She
can even scream and lose her temper and they will forgive her. But they
won't afford you the same indulgence. Talk to your partner: there are
lots of things that she can solve with a minimum of fuss and some that
only she should attend to. However, there is no need for you to take a
back seat here: you are entitled to insist openly on basic standards of
cleanliness, hygiene, punctuality, decency, consideration and respect.
Be a minimalist – that is, don't be too fussy or rigid.
{mospagebreak} If
your partner tends to overcompensate for her children's father by
spoiling them, tax her about it. And if you try to make up for the
times that you are not with your children by spoiling them during
access visits, then check yourself and listen to your partner. If you
communicate with her and with the children you will work out a
parenting plan that will accommodate both families and will generally
work for all. Treat all the children fairly, evenly, consistently. But
respect each of them as an individual.
Be positive in your
relationship with your partner's children. They are unique individuals
whom you can get to know and understand, to like and even to love. They
can add value to your life and you can to theirs. Take the trouble to
find out about their world, their interests, their likes and dislikes.
Be a friend rather than a parent to them. Don't be drawn into the role
of the enforcer, no matter how much that suits your partner. Don't look
on your relationship with them as competing with the relationship with
your own children. On the contrary they can be complementary and
mutually enriching.
Show interest in the doings not only of
your own children but also in those of your partner's children. If you
live with them in a family situation there will be plenty of
opportunities to show them that you are genuinely interested in their
welfare, that you can be relied on to help. You don't have to become a
doormat, and they won't respect you if you do. But if you are honest,
caring and tactful they will eventually come to respect you and, who
knows, even to like you!
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