Tips for Stepfamilies
Tips for Stepfamilies by Emily & John Visher founders of Stepfamily
Association of America
1. Start out in your own new place if at all possible. This will make
for many fewer "turf" squabbles, hurt feelings, and more ability to rid
yourselves of the ghosts of the past.
2. Do not expect stepfamilies to be like first marriage families. There
are characteristics that make them different, that bring their own challenges
and rewards. For example, they are formed after relationship changes and
losses; adults and children already have ideas about how family life should
run; they are at different places in their life (e.g.–a man with three
children may marry a woman who has never had any children); parent-child
relationships existed before the couple relationship was formed. There
is a parent in another household and many children go between their two
homes. These characteristics can add a richness and diversity to the family
and give the couple time on their own when children are in their other
household.
3. Ease in — let things develop gradually. Relationships do not develop
on demand. Trust takes time, and initially for the adults it is usually
a strange and unfamiliar world and for most children it seems like a Star
Wars Planet occupied by aliens. Don't be surprised if it take 4-6 years
to feel comfortable.
4. Develop new traditions. These hasten the sense of belonging and connectedness
as you develop familiar "rituals" and special celebrations to. We recently
read of a wonderful tradition for stepfamilies: a celebration "dinner for
"firsts" "…when Suzy first learns to read, Charlie gets his driver's
license, a parent makes a hole in one.
5. Negotiate differences — don't fight over right and wrong. Whether
or not the dog sleeps at the foot of the bed or in the garage is not right
or wrong but simply two different expectations.
6. Share past family histories. This is a good way to get to know and
understand each other better.
7. Stepparents should take on parenting roles very slowly. Stepparents
need to build relationships with stepchildren before attempting to set
limits for them. With teens this type of interaction may never be achieved.
This means the biological parent needs to be especially aware of setting
limits.
8. Form a solid couple bond. When couples have a good relationship they
are able to work together on meeting the needs of the children. This reduces
the parents' feelings of being caught in the middle between the children
and the new partner.
9. Develop and maintain relationships on a one-on-one basis. Having
special, planned, one-on-one time allows relationships to grow and be nourished.
Parent-child, stepparent-stepchild, and couple all need their special times
together, playing a game, reading a story, going to the store, driving
to school, going for a walk.
{mospagebreak}10. Support children's access to both biological parents. This removes
them from being in the middle between their parents and feeling emotionally
torn apart. As on stepmother said, "The children taught us there's enough
love to go around." We don't have to ration love!
11. Adults in both households make direct contact. The adults need to
work our residential schedules with input from the children, but not through
the children, until the children are old enough to prefer making these
arrangements
12. Children need a special spot of their own in the household. With
no drawer or desk or bed it is not possible to feel as though you belong.
One 10 year old put it clearly by saying, "Why can't they say this is Frank's
room which we use for a study when he's not here, rather than that this
our study which Frank uses when he's here." Even a shelf of your own gives
you a claim in the house.
13. Understand that much of children's anger comes from changes and
losses they have not chosen. Sharing a parent, a room, or toy with stepsiblings;
going to a new school; missing your other parent, friends, and former neighborhood;
having unfamiliar food, new rules and ways of doing things.
14. Communicate, communicate, communicate. This is not always easy!
If you find you cannot listen well to one another get someone outside the
family to help you — a minister, a rabbi, a counselor who understands
stepfamily life.
15. Contact the Stepfamily Association of America. There are chapters
in many states. Call 1-8000-735-0329 and ask for the catalog of books.
The Stepping Together: Creating Strong Stepfamilies workbook is a good
place to start. There is a Leader's Manual and kit for those who wish to
teach a Stepping Together course. Join support groups or courses given
by churches, agencies, or Stepfamily Association chapters in your area.
Talking with other stepfamilies can be helpful, supportive, and fun.
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Tips for stepfamilies
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- Consider premarital counseling so you understand the issues.
- Work on your own issues that led to the divorce so you don't bring them into the next relationship.
- Be educated. Read books, visit Web sites.
- Talk about discipline styles before getting married.
- Don't disagree in front of the children. Compromise on household rules. Present a united front to the kids.
- Be flexible. This includes holiday and birthday celebrations and other household rituals.
- Have
realistic expectations. Don't expect instant love between your kids and
the stepparent. Get help if you are having problems. - Ask your spouse daily how he or she is doing. Plan a weekly date night and don't talk about the kids.
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