Stepparent – Feeling like the outsider
Stepparent – Feeling like the outsider by Jo Ball – The Stepfamily Coach
Four
years ago I joined with my partner and his two children. In the
beginning it was lovely to have the children around. I was in the
'Getting Going' stage – the fantasy stage – and found family life easy,
getting along well with everyone.
As the months passed by I began to notice more and more how much of an
outsider I felt in their cosy trio. They had a history together, I
didn't. They knew each other's needs, I didn't. They knew the routines
backwards, I didn't. They knew how to get what they wanted from each
other, I didn't.
Observing I realised that actually this cosy trio wasn't a trio at all,
but a foursome. Who was the forth person do I hear you cry? It was the
youngest child's mother. She also had a history with these people, she
also knew their needs, she also knew their routine and she also knew
how to get what she wanted – much to my disappointment.
It seemed like an age that I was on the outside. I was surprised to
find jealously coming up in me which hadn't been their previously and I
found my own self esteem being knocked.
Now, as The Stepfamily Coach I realise these to be all perfectly
natural and normal emotions and part of the 'getting going' stage (See
the Development Process Of A Stepfamily at www.thestepfamilycoach.com)
of a new blended family.
Many of the people I work with tell me they feel the same. They often
feel like they're on the outside, being sent this way and that
depending on the children or their mother. I wanted to be important in
this family and I wanted to mean something to them. It reminded me of
being the office junior again. Making the teas and coffee for everyone,
being talked over as the one that wouldn't know anything, even though I
did sometimes have a good idea.
I wanted to get stuck in with the stuff that really mattered, but not
having any children of my own made me feel worse – everyone knew I had
no parenting experience so my opinions didn't matter – at least that's
how I felt.
What I didn't appreciate at the time is that like being the office
junior gives you a great grounding. You learn all the fundamentals of
the job that keep the team functioning effectively… and without the
responsibility. That's how I now see this period of bonding with my new
family. I was learning the ropes. I was learning how everyone
interacted, how everyone related to everyone else and finding my feet
whilst gradually moulding my part in their life.
When working with stepparents I encourage them to be patient and to
look at this time as learning and growing – for them as well as their
new family. If you accept that relationships take time, like a good
wine maturing, then you'll find it easier to go with the flow and
minimalise any resistance and heartache.
Think of it like growing a plant from a seed. It needs time and
nurturing. You can't rush it. It will germinate and grow strong in it's
own time. If you try to rush it you could end up with an unhealthy
plant or even kill it.
If you find yourself wanting to make the time of growing and learning
in your stepfamily easier for yourself and enjoy the flow more, perhaps
even to deal with emotions of jealousy or low self-esteem then find out
how The Stepfamily Coach can help you. Visit www.thestepfamilycoach.com
Wishing you very happy stepparenting
Jo
Jo Ball
The Stepfamily Coach
About the Author
Grab your FREE report "7 Secrets For Blending Your Family Without
The Stress And Strain" at www.TheStepfmailyCoach.com. The Stepfamily
Coach offers support and guidance to divorced and separated parents and
their new families. Jo Ball (LCA, Dip, NLP) is a step-mum of two with
15 years coaching experience. Have a look at www.thestepfamilycoach.com
for more information for Stepfamilies.
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