Successful stepfamilies put kids first
{mosimage}GAYLE VASSAR MELVIN Knight Ridder
WALNUT CREEK, Calif. — Misha Doig was thrilled to become an instant
mom to Cassie, now 10, and John, now 8, when she married their dad four
years ago.
She was less enchanted, however, with the other relationship her new
marriage brought: the one with Dave Doig's ex-wife, Christine Thatcher.
"We picked up and dropped off the kids at Christine's for a full year
because I couldn't bear to have her come to my house,'' says Misha Doig
as Thatcher listens.
"We were like this when we'd see each other,'' says Thatcher, as both women demonstrate forced smiles through clenched teeth.
Today, it's a different story. Thanks to monthly meetings, perseverance
and a determination to put Cassie and John first, the women have
developed a true friendship. Thatcher even slept over when Doig hosted
Cassie's 10th birthday party this month. "And when I told my boss, he
said, 'I'd never allow that!' adds Thatcher merrily.
{mospagebreak title=Complex Relationships}
Complex relationships
Still, no one is claiming that creating a relationship between
biological mother and stepmother is a simple matter. After all, both
women in the equation have been intimate with the same man, and both
have relationships with the same children.
"It tugs at the very essence of who we are,'' says marriage, child and
family counselor Karen Sloma. "The new wife may wonder, 'Will I be good
enough?' The former wife may worry, 'Will I lose my children?' It is a
historically feminine cat fight issue.''
It's also an increasingly common issue. One-third of all Americans are
members of stepfamilies, according to the Stepfamily Association of
America.
With the recent release of "Stepmom,'' starring Julia Roberts as the
reluctant stepmother and Susan Sarandon as the resistant ex-wife, the
topic finally has received the Hollywood treatment.
The movie has been endorsed by the Stepfamily Association for its
portrayal of decent adults who struggle to put the children's best
interests first, despite their own insecurities and fears.
"There has been a shift in the country in its perceptions of
stepfamilies,'' says Emily Visher of Lafayette, Calif., who founded the
national stepfamilies association with her husband, John.
"The original thinking was that you would never see the person you divorced without animosity.
Now people have begun to realize what a difference it makes to the children, and to the adults, too, if they can cooperate.''
{mospagebreak title=It gets Easier}
It gets easier
The new stepparent can help by assuring the biological parent that she
knows she can never take her place, says Visher. And biological parents
can help by letting the child know it's all right to like the
stepmother.
"It is very hard to do initially,'' she admits. "You just have to realize it is going to get easier over time.''
While movie moms Roberts and Sarandon work out their differences in a
year, it's not always that way in real life, says Danville, Calif.,
therapist Liz Hannigan. "I've worked in this field for 10 years, and I
rarely see it,'' she says.
But it's not impossible, she adds. In fact, Hannigan became close friends with her own
daughter's stepmom. When the other woman divorced Hannigan's ex-husband
after 10 years and later married someone else, Hannigan was at the
wedding.
"I just realized over time that this woman was not my enemy,'' says
Hannigan. "She was not trying to take my daughter away from me. She
just loved her, and as a result my daughter has gained an extended
family she wouldn't have had otherwise.''
{mospagebreak title=Business Relationship}
Business relationship
Not every stepmother or biological mother will become friends, and
that's OK, says therapist Anthony Carpentieri, who heads up the East
Bay Stepfamilies group. Instead, try for a warm business relationship,
with minimal emotional involvement.
He recommends the book "Mom's House, Dad's House'' by Isolina Ricci, as "pretty much the standard'' for stepfamily issues.
At least in the beginning, the biological parents should continue to
make arrangements for the sharing of the children, says Carpentieri.
"It makes much more sense for the parents to communicate and not push
for a relationship with the new spouse,'' he says. "Like with anything
involving stepfamilies, you need to take some time with it.''
Unlike a first marriage, where expectations are untainted by loss, the
creation of a stepfamily exists only because of loss, notes therapist
Susan Posner, of Lafayette, Calif.
It's only natural, then, that there be tension, even sorrow, in the
stepmother/biological mother relationship, especially at the outset.
It's when that tension escalates into territorial fights over the
children that things get out of hand.
"The parents need to realize they each have a unique relationship with
the child, and they are not in competition with each other,'' says
Posner.
{mospagebreak title=Making Trouble}
Making trouble
In some cases, the children themselves make trouble between biological
and stepparents, says Posner. "Children are experts at 'divide and
conquer,' she says. "I am always cautioning people that if the child
tells them their stepparent said something that doesn't sound right,
check it out with the stepparent.''
Sometimes the parents in either house aren't able to resist badmouthing
their perceived competition. If that happens, Visher offers this script
for parents so the child won't feel stuck in the middle: "Say 'We are
sorry they feel that way about us, but they don't live in this house,
so they don't really know what it is like here now.' It doesn't put
down the other household, but it gives the children the opportunity to
understand they can make their own judgment.''
{mospagebreak title=Working it out}
Working it out
In Doig and Thatcher's case, they were motivated to work together because they'd each grown up as children of divorce.
"It was really hard for me at first, to have two families and to be a
stepchild,'' says Doig. "My parents tried, but it wasn't as collegial
as it could have been at first.''
Over the years, however, the adults formed close ties. When Doig's son
Justin, 2, was born, her mother and stepmother were both in the
delivery room.
For Thatcher, it was the memory of not seeing her own father after her
parents' divorce that pushed her to try for something different for her
own children.
"I didn't really do it for Misha, but for the kids to have a
relationship with their father,'' says Thatcher. "But when I saw how
much Misha loves them, I realized it was in all our best interests to
work things out.''
She admits she was intimidated by Misha Doig's college background, and
envious when Doig's work schedule gave her the time to work in Cassie's
and John's classrooms. "My emotions said one thing, but I knew that if
I gave into them, the children would lose out,'' she says.
And Misha Doig says she was unsettled by the thought that Christine and
Dave Doig had once had an intimate relationship. "I had to set the
jealousy aside. It's important not to get caught up in an imaginary
world where there is still a relationship between your husband and his
ex.''
{mospagebreak title=Husband's Role}
Husband's role
Dave Doig played a key role in easing the friendship between his new wife and ex-wife.
Sometimes his efforts were rebuffed, like in the beginning when he'd
tell Misha that Christine was really a good person. But Dave
persevered.
"I can't stand it when I see kids divided up between parents,'' he
says. "You can either be mean to each other and affect the kids in a
negative way, or you can be nice to each other and affect the kids in a
positive way. I wanted the best for our kids.''
As for Christine's husband of two years, Curt Thatcher, the four-way
parenting took some getting used to. "It's blown me away,'' he says,
sitting on the Doigs' living room floor. "I didn't think we'd ever get
to this point.''
Source: Successful stepfamilies put kids first -1/7/99
http://listarchives.his.com/smartmarriages/smartmarriages.9901/msg00007.html
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