That sums up how many of the women with stepchildren I interviewed for my book, Stepmonster, felt about the stepmother role. They told me:

• “The kids are hostile and rejecting no matter what I do. I know it’s not their fault. But it’s as if I’m not supposed to have any feelings about it, let alone discuss them.”
• “I can’t do anything right–if I buy them a present, they think I’m buying their love and if I don’t, I’m cold and unloving.”
• “My husband doesn’t have many rules–so I look super strict and mean if I ask them not to eat with their hands!”
• “Their mother says unkind things about me and calls every half hour while they’re here. So it’s hard to build a relationship with them.”

These women were no whiners–most had been trying to get stepmothering right for years, and all began their stepmothering journeys committed to forging a great relationship with his kids, whatever it took.

Read more…The Real Reason Children (and Adults) Hate their Stepmothers | Psychology Today

A funny, honest, and empathetic resource for the novice stepmother, which includes advice on The kids: Adjusting to suspicion, resentment, and biological-parent loyalties; The ex-wife: Living calmly alongside her, whether she’s a psycho or the perfect mother; The holidays: Accommodating old family traditions and developing new ones; The sex: Keeping love alive through the kids’ bed-wetting and nightmares.

Plus an invaluable list of resources, websites, publications, and organizations specifically for the new stepmother.

Welcome to the Stepfamily Zone – The Single Girl’s Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace